Thursday, September 5, 2013

More Than Anything

I'm officially in nursing school, which is scary and exciting and amazing all at the same time.

I cannot believe this is God's calling for my life--how beautiful that I will be given the chance to care for His children. 

Not gonna lie, I was terrified when August came around. Especially the night before clinical jumpstart. I freaked out just a tad. I mean really, at multiple points in my life, I could affect whether someone will live or die. That's a huuuuuge responsibility!! And because it's so important, I doubted that I was worthy to be responsible for others. And right now, I'm not. Which is why I am going to school, and why I will be devoting each day of this adventure for the greater glory of God. If I were to come into this learning process thinking that I have all the answers, and that each victory was because of myself--then not only would I become a selfish and bad nurse and woman, but I would be shunning God's gift to me. 

One of the hardest things so far with this experience has been trusting in God when it's all crazy overwhelming.

Like right now.

I am sitting in my room, so confused on how I feel. Am I sad? Am I confused? Hormonal? Crazy? But maybe it doesn't really matter how I feel. Maybe it's more important that God loves me, forgives me, and has a beautiful plan for me. I have no idea what a huge proportion of that plan is, but it's there. And I have to trust that despite not being 100% prepared for my first Patho exam on monday, I'm going to do ok. And my check offs tomorrow? They're going to go fine. Sure, I'm typing this and a part of me keeps screaming, "no! you aren't ready and that means you're going to fail!" But since when did God tell his children that they are going to fall on their faces. He doesn't want that for me! He will provide for me, I know that, goodness does my brain know that. And I finally think that my heart is starting to feel that too.

This whole night has just reminded me how easily it is to fall into despair, into defeat. And that is not God. The belief that I can't do something right, or that I'm going to do horribly, that's this world. Our God calls me to hope, to his never ending peace. A peace that I desire more than anything else. 

With the Lord by my side, my goodness, what can't be done? Who's to say I can't kick that test's booty? Or that I can't go to my lab tomorrow and transfer the heck out of my fake patient? Not God, He has so much faith in me, and He instills in me the ability to climb mountains and jump rivers. So, if I can do those huge things with Him, whats a little testing got on us?

"Through him you have confidence in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God."
1 Peter 1:21

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