Friday, January 1, 2016

Choose

There are two ways this post could go, in my mind. I could tell you all about how life's changed, how fast everything seems to be flying by, and how I wish that I could slow it down, really breathe it all in. Or, I could ramble on about new year's resolutions, about making healthier decisions, being more present, more humble. Against my better judgement, either of those potential posts holds truth; unavoidable heaviness.

My last semester of college starts in 3 short weeks, with graduation this May and boards this June. Real-life responsibilities are creeping around the corner, and its exhilarating and terrifying all at once. I find myself wanting the newness that the end of college promises, and desiring the simplicity of naive irresponsibility. Stories about nursing boards have been circulating for months, but it wasn't until the end of the fall semester that the horror within those stories reared its ugly head. And its all a reality; the months ahead may be difficult, pushing me beyond my place of comfort. How easy it could be to ignore that possible struggle, to be 'ok' with some version of complacency. Often (much too often, in my opinion), I find myself wracked with debates over how much worry should be spent over a class, a grade, a situation. Exhausted, I end up not caring for the class or situation at all, leading to a lucky break or a miserable confrontation with my failure. Complacency in life is so far from what I feel called to, but that doesn't make the fight against it any less of a struggle. 

The beginning of a new calendar year is honestly such a weird holiday, especially as I have spent it in the hospital working for the past two years. This year I actually felt its weight, its call to gratitude for the end of one year and hope of another. Resolutions have never sat well with me--even in the season of Lent or the beginning of the liturgical year in Advent. I struggle committing to change, habits are easier and require much less of an effort. This laziness I have grown accustomed to--no sugar-coating the truth--contradicts my future profession, my morals, and my faith. Unhealthy stress, diets, exercise, and especially prayer life works against what I've worked in college and in my relationship with God.

Becoming lack-luster will not be my story. I could choose to live with the mentality that "a nurse who passes with D's is still a nurse" (insert "businessman/woman", "teacher", "husband/wife", etc.). But that's not my story either! God created us with the capacity to choose, to impose our will freely upon our lives. He also created us before we were even conceived, with the desire for each of us to live with Him in perfection. Choosing the will of God over our own, that's the battle, no, the adventure of life. Its ugly and beautiful; a desert and an oasis. How blessed are we, though blind and lost, to search for God in the world, in our very own lives? So yes, I did come up with a resolution this year, something that has been stirring within my soul for a while, patiently waiting for my heart to respond. Choosing God's will and trusting in that choice, in Him above all. 




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